Post by nsweare on Jul 20, 2015 9:06:04 GMT -5
I wasn't sure what to title this post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I guess I just need to vent a little.
I didn't talk about it previously, but when pregnant with P, I made the decision to formula feed rather than breast feed. I was comfortable with my decision, as was H. I know I don't need to justify my decision, but I'll explain my reasons because it's somewhat relevant to this story. I suffered from PPD after M was born. I knew the likelihood was high that I would have PPD following P's birth as well and would need medication. One of the things that exacerbates my depression is lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation is inevitable with a newborn, but anything I could do to minimize it would be beneficial. In addition, my body does this weird thing where I'll start running a fever if I get overtired. Once I catch up on sleep I'm fine. I've been like this since I was a small child. I've apparently always been high maintenance. At any rate, I didn't want to mix antidepressants with breastfeeding and I knew I'd need H to be able to give P bottles so I wouldn't be exclusively responsible for feeding. I decided that it was in our best interests to formula feed. H agreed.
Sure enough, PPD has been an issue and I'm currently working with my doctor to address it. P's illness and the exhaustion of being in the hospital made things even worse, but I'm feeling somewhat better now. After we finally got P's diagnosis I called both my father and my MIL to explain what the doctors found. They both suggested that perhaps P got sick because I wasn't breastfeeding. My father (who can't talk without his foot in his mouth) didn't shock or upset me at all because I'm used to him being a jackass. He didn't actually state that it was my fault, he just asked if it could be due to me not breastfeeding. He almost immediately realized how horrible that must have sounded and apologized. MIL, on the other hand, flat out attributed the meningitis to not breastfeeding. Nevermind the fact that it started as a stomach bug and almost every single person in her family has had a stomach bug within the past month. Nevermind that DD wasn't feeling well just three days before P got sick. Nevermind that, according to P's doctor, this is the worst time of year for this particular virus and there were four other babies on the floor with the exact same thing. Nope. Apparently breastfeeding is like a magic plastic bubble that keeps babies from ever getting sick. MIL said it in such a matter of fact way as well. She asked how I thought he got it. I said that DD had been sick a few days earlier and that we had been around a lot of people at the 4th of July carnival the previous weekend. She said, "yeah, and you're not breastfeeding either."
You guys, it felt like a punch in the gut. With PPD comes an extra big dose of mommy guilt for everything. I'd already spent the week in the hospital crying at least once an hour because I felt like I should've done something to protect him. I've spent the past 6 weeks telling myself that I'm the worst mother and wife on the planet. I've been doing everything I can to counteract the negative self-talk but now that inside voice has received some outside validation and I'm heartbroken. Thankfully, H is 100% on my side. My own mother has also been super supportive. I just feel so broken. I haven't been on the medication long enough to make too much of a difference yet, but hopefully it will soon. I also don't know where to go with my MIL after this. I'm really angry at her, even though there is that tiny voice in my head whispering that she is right. H is angry with her too. He wants to say something to her, but I don't want to cause any family friction. With the PPD, I just don't know if I can handle family drama right now. I think I'd rather just let it go. I'm just afraid that this will taint what has been, up to now, a good relationship. I also can't help but wonder if the rest of H's family is blaming me for this.
Sorry this is so long. Like I said waaaaaaaay up top, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for with this post. I guess I just really needed to vent and you ladies have been so supportive. If you made it all the way through this post, thanks for reading. <3 you all.