I don't know where to post anymore.

[LMC]

I'm a fucking mess. 

J and I just sat around on the couch in silence, crying off and on, for hours last night.  We eventually turned on the TV just for the noise.  We both crashed from what I have to assume was being completely emotionally exhausted around 9:15.  We laid in bed watching TV on my iPad and just trying to hang on tight to each other. 

I woke up around 2.  I laid there for a few hours, crying off and on. 

I'll cry. Hard.  For 10 minute spurts. Then I'll just sit here.  J and I sat on the couch in silence for an hour this morning. Neither of has any idea what to say to each other. We handle things so differently.  He was on the phone with his parents for an hour last night.  I could only stay on the phone with mine for 5 minutes at a time. I haven't even spoken to my Dad, I just don't think I can handle it. 

Every time I think I'm taking a break from crying, I'll just see something or think of something else.  The pregnancy tea I bought that I found out I couldn't even drink until later. All of the positive tests. All of my medication. My hospital bracelets from my retrieval and transfer.  Christ, the ultrasound pictures. Last night, I was feeling a little more stable before bed, taking the medication out of our bathroom and storing it in the spare room.  And then I saw the hair net thing that they gave DH for the transfer. He kept it. I completely fucking lost it and just cried to him that I didn't know what to do with it. 

My heart breaks every time I see one of these things.  But I don't know what to do with them.  It's all we have left.  I can't throw my baby away. It hurts so much. 

Another fucking Christmas without a baby. 

I can't believe that we have to start all over. I was so sad when none of our other embryos made it, but I was so happy when our one made it and seemed to stick. 

I can't believe that we have to go through this again. And it's hard to think about. Because I feel like rushing into it is just replacing the baby. 

I can't do this. 

[LMC]

I forgot to add that I now just have to sit here waiting to miscarry. My doctor is concerned about scar tissue with the D&C. I have enough other fucking problems and a narrow uterus. I don't need another problem.

But this is torture.

[chipmunk]

((((LMC)))) There is nothing I can say that will make this hurt less for either of you. But you, your DH, and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

echoing eba1012, we love you, and we are here when you want or need us. I second her suggestion to have your mom (or another close relative/friend who is aware of things) come over and quietly put these things into a container for you, and place it out of sight until you are ready to look at them again.

You are not throwing away your baby. You are not locking your baby away. You are both grieving for your baby, and should take all the time you two need.

[snippet17]

You are grieving. Everyone grieves differently. And people that knew you were pregnant are going to say the most annoying things and they will try to tell you their grief stories to try to make you feel better. Hell I almost did that. Take as much time as you and J need. Losing a child is the hardest things to go through.

There are plenty of support groups out here if you are interested around here.

[LMC]

Feb 24, 2016 10:04:11 GMT -5 snippet17 said:

You are grieving. Everyone grieves differently. And people that knew you were pregnant are going to say the most annoying things and they will try to tell you their grief stories to try to make you feel better. Hell I almost did that. Take as much time as you and J need. Losing a child is the hardest things to go through.

There are plenty of support groups out here if you are interested around here.

My mother just started doing this. The "God has a plan" thing. If that's the case, what did I ever do to God? Why doesn't he want me to have a baby? If this is part of a plan, it's a really fucked up and cruel one.

[LINGERLONGER]

I'm sorry LMC. ((Hugs))

That "God has a plan" bullshit is just that- Bullshit. People say it thinking it will be comforting but it brings no comfort. I'm so sorry. I wish there were words I could say that would take away your pain.

[snippet17]

Feb 24, 2016 10:07:28 GMT -5 LMC said:

Feb 24, 2016 10:04:11 GMT -5 snippet17 said:

You are grieving. Everyone grieves differently. And people that knew you were pregnant are going to say the most annoying things and they will try to tell you their grief stories to try to make you feel better. Hell I almost did that. Take as much time as you and J need. Losing a child is the hardest things to go through.

There are plenty of support groups out here if you are interested around here.

My mother just started doing this. The "God has a plan" thing. If that's the case, what did I ever do to God? Why doesn't he want me to have a baby? If this is part of a plan, it's a really fucked up and cruel one.

*hugs* I hate that quote so much.   

[kristenkay]

I'm so sorry LMC. Post wherever you feel like. Sit on the couch for as long as you want and cry as much as you need to.

I hated when people would say the whole God's plan thing or 'everything happens for a reason' when I lost my first pregnancy. I know it's meant to help comfort, but it's not comforting and honestly it's just not applicable to something like this.

After my loss it helped me to put everything related into a drawer that I never looked in. If you'll have a hard time doing it, maybe you can have someone else put it all into a box and keep it for you.

I hope that your body is able to miscarry naturally and that you and J continue to lean on each other to help process this loss together.

Continuing to send you hugs and prayers.

[Deleted]

God does have a plan.

We just don't get it. We see life in a linear fashion...and shit doesn't make sense for us the way it does for Him.

But none of that will make you feel better right now...and it sucks to hear it.

Please don't discard any momentous you may have right now. Give yourself time before making ANY major decisions.

Thinking of you. You have a sweet heart and kind spirit. Please take care of yourself and hang in there.

My Mom says "this too shall pass". Every time she has said it...it has royally pissed me off, but has always come to be true.

You will have a family one day. This day, today? It fucking sucks. But it's not the end of your story.

Hang in there.

[LINGERLONGER]

Taking this to a new thread....

[chipmunk]

Continuing to think of you, LMC, now and all through this coming weekend.

[jenn314]

I've been thinking about you a lot and I wish I knew what to say. I'm here if you need anything at all <3

[Giaspo]

Just seeing this after traveling for a few days. You've been in my thoughts. I've seen so many of my friends go through the same thing and everyone deals with loss differently. Don't think for one minute that what you're feeling is wrong or weird. It is a natural part of grieving and in some bizarre way will make you stronger.

I hate the "god's plan" thing too. I think most people mean well, but I agree with @pandpmeant2b that a better response is "I don't know what to say". Or don't say anything at all.