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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 11:01:58 GMT -5
Can you just switch without a qualifying life event? If I no longer had insurance, I think that would be a qualifying event. Honestly, I don't know anything about this. |
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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 11:04:36 GMT -5
I love my mom. A lot.
She is driving me fucking nuts.
She's being very overbearing about the baby. I hate to say anything or be too "mean" because they paid for our IVF. However, it's killing me. When I was nervous last week about my u/s, she texted DH until he would tell her that. Then she insisted on facetiming me immediately. That's not how I work. I like to be left alone. Please leave me alone.
Once, she told DH that his parents could visit "whenever they want" (uh what? they don't need permission from YOU) so long as she "got the first week." You're fucking with me, right? You are not staying at my house for a week. I want time as a family and to be alone with TC. It's already becoming a problem and I'm 7 weeks pregnant. PLUSALSO their house will be done by then. 20 MINUTES AWAY. Why the fuck would you think you can stay at my house?
I'm going to have to start setting boundaries. No, you will not be in the delivery room. I can't stop you from being in the waiting room, but you're going to be waiting a long time because I don't want anyone in there right away. No, you can't take over. I want to be alone with my family and hold my kid for a while. This is going to be a complete disaster because she's going to get upset and hurt IMMEDIATELY.
Ugh.
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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 11:08:44 GMT -5
If I no longer had insurance, I think that would be a qualifying event. Honestly, I don't know anything about this. Right, if you lose your own insurance you can switch. But I'm not sure if you can just opt out of your own insurance outside of open enrollment time, aside from quitting your job or becoming otherwise ineligible (like going to part time). If you didn't return to work after your leave you could switch then. Or you could switch upon the baby's birth. Oh yeah that's what I meant. Sorry, I don't make any sense this week. I meant switching to DH's if I quit my job. |
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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 11:22:48 GMT -5
Luckily, she hasn't mentioned being in the delivery room, but it's not out of the realm of possibility after assuming she can stay in our home FOR A WEEK starting the day we bring a baby home from the hospital.
Jesus. It makes my eyes fall out of my head even thinking about it.
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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 11:26:29 GMT -5
That reminds me that my cousin had her baby in November. I didn't go to the hospital. In part because I was having a pity party and partly because it seemed like she was getting a lot of visitors and I would rather stop by when she's home and bring food.
It was a nightmare for her. She said that next time someone she knows has a kid, she's going to approach it so differently. They had visitors in the hospital (she had a C-section because peanut was breech) every moment they were awake, the entire time they were there. She said it was terrible.
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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 11:27:20 GMT -5
I have a lot to say today: I feel like I can FEEL my ute expanding. Every once in a while I get this pressure that feels like I'm being stretched from the inside. It is uncomfortable.
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Post by chipmunk on Feb 19, 2016 12:44:10 GMT -5
I lucked out so hard having J the day before my mom left for a week long cruise.  Yeah I worried about her missing it entirely, but it worked out perfectly. She visited for like 45 minutes, about 2 hours after she was born, then peaced the fuck out. My hospital was really good about not letting anyone in until after we were done with skin to skin, had nursed, I had showered, etc. then they kicked everyone out when it was time to sleep. You have 33 weeks to burn all the guest beds in your house. Don't forget to get rid of any couches that have pull out beds in them! No sleeping bags or air mattresses allowed either! 
But in all seriousness, hugs, LMC. Helping you guys out with the IVF costs is not an automatic license to be at your home the first week, pop in whenever she wants at home or the hospital, "give permission" for your in laws to visit, or otherwise dictacte what goes on with your baby. With any luck, this boundary stomping is a passing case of overeager excitement over Taco Chip.
That said, I'd ask your mom to join you, one on one, mother-daughter time, for coffee or a meal in a public setting. In that setting, I'd say to her something along the lines of "Mom, I love you and I think it's wonderful that you are so excited about Taco Chip. But DH and I need to do what is best for us and for the baby. We'd really like to have our time in the hospital and the first week home after the delivery to just be us and Taco Chip. No family members or friends or anything- just us bonding with our little one. There will be plenty of occasions for you to bond with your grandchild, but right now, with how excited you are, we're feeling a bit smothered. I know you're only saying these things out of your excitement, and you'd NEVER DREAM of trying to take over things/impose yourself upon us, particularly at such an important time in our lives. As we get closer to Taco Chip's arrival, we miiight change our minds on certain things, but I really really need you to relax a bit, for my sake and the baby's."
That way, you're being firm but gentle, and starting to establish those boundaries without her having room to feel like she's being "shut out" and going bonkers on you. Plus, if you're emphasizing how you need her to back off not just for your mental relaxation, but in Taco Chip's interests of having a relaxed, unstressed mama, the "do everything best for the baby" section of her brain that's currently running double time may take that info and immediately calm the hell down 
So far I've been mostly lucking out with my mom- she's super excited, has admitted that when we're together, she's starting to wish it was way closer to my due date as she wants to hold Chipmunchkin right. now. But, I've been able to gently/playfully tell her that for certain interactions, she'll need to wait in line behind DH and myself. She did make us that sea creatures wallhanging well before we got pregnant (thereby inadvertently dictating the nursery theme) but DH and I were fine with that theme, have some related stuff from DH's mom, and are picking out some fun things ourselves.
My bigger issue has been my Dad trying to insinuate he can have a say in Chipmunchkin's name (discussed elsewhere), which has moved from him being aggressive about it to merely teasing. He'll be in for a hell of a shock when he teases me in a few weeks when I see him in person- when I preregistered with my hospital this past week, I was able to put down all the data necessary to fill out the birth certificate preemptively. He'd been joking about sneaking off with the forms, and I've beat him at his own game, HA!
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Post by chipmunk on Feb 19, 2016 12:48:00 GMT -5
I'm due Memorial Day Weekend, and my maternity leave (if I deliver when due) will stretch almost to Labor Day. I will not have to put in leave time for Memorial Day or 4th of July, as they are among my guaranteed paid holidays that are part of my work contract and in the work policies. Since 4th of July is on a Sunday this year, it's observed by the office on Monday, so I get that day free.
Our system will automatically put in the coding and hours for paid holidays or days otherwise administratively closed by those on high with executive order powers. I just have to remember to keep my weeks straight on when I put in my time sheet, otherwise it will auto fill for hours worked rather than hours on leave.
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Post by snippet17 on Feb 19, 2016 13:01:14 GMT -5
LMC - ((hugs)) i know how it is to deal with crazy moms. My mom drove me nuts before I was pregnant but its worse now. Seriously she texted to see if I made it to work today (haven't told the family I am not working she will want to visit and stay her if I did that). I understand on icy days but not days when its in the 50s. My mom excepts H to call her when we head to the hospital. Wtf like he doesn't have better things to do and she thinks if H leaves the room she should be there. H wanted to go to the OR with me when I had surgery. The hospital will bring him food to l&d so I don't see him leaving. I feel bad about lying about my kindle and laptop not having cameras but I can see having skype or facetime being annoying when it comes to dealing with my family when the baby comes. My mom told my grandmother that she can visit H and I the weekend after we bring the baby home. NO. I hate visitors specially ones where H will have to host. Seriously the only visitor at this point that is allowed to come is friends since after I tell them to help themselves they will or Mil who would spend hours cleaning for just 10 minutes of cuddle time with the baby. My birth plan states my mom drives me nuts in bold. I highly suggest adding that to your birth plan. Two parts of my very short birth plan deal with her. I also don't want the visitors anytime myself or the baby is checked in the recovery room. I don't need to deal with her again questioning doctors and nurses. I know my dad is going to get annoying too since he has no privacy settings on his fb page and doesnt get why he cannot post any pictures that he wants of my child. Sorry I guess I needed to vent.
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Post by chipmunk on Feb 19, 2016 13:06:30 GMT -5
I'm due Memorial Day Weekend, and my maternity leave (if I deliver when due) will stretch almost to Labor Day. I will not have to put in leave time for Memorial Day or 4th of July, as they are among my guaranteed paid holidays that are part of my work contract and in the work policies. Since 4th of July is on a Sunday this year, it's observed by the office on Monday, so I get that day free. Our system will automatically put in the coding and hours for paid holidays or days otherwise administratively closed by those on high with executive order powers. I just have to remember to keep my weeks straight on when I put in my time sheet, otherwise it will auto fill for hours worked rather than hours on leave. This sounds like our system, at least for salaried employees. Do you have short term disability, or are you also using medical/personal leave? I have just enough sick and vacation leave saved up to cover myself for the 12 weeks I'm out and have about 2 weeks wiggle room. The awesome thing is, (provided Chipmunchkin arrives on time), during week 13, I've my work anniversary, which means any leave I have remaining rolls over into the next year, and I get my new personal holiday, new year's worth of sick leave, and new year's worth of vacation leave, so I won't be stuck fretting about losing paid time for doctor visits and whatnot if DH can't take her. (And I can take off between Christmas and New Years without burning the last of my leave).
I'm still filing the FMLA paperwork as a cover my butt move with HR, plus my office, per state requirements, has Parental and Family Medical Leave (basically FMLA at the state level), granting up to 6 months unpaid leave for events like pregnancy or adoption of a child without job risk, as long as it's taken within 12 months of either the finalization of the adoption or the birth of the child. I've some forms to fill out for that too.
My supervisors and bosses are all on board with my using vacation and sick leave to ensure I get my paycheck- the paperwork is more or less so HR and Payroll don't lose their minds, since normally taking more than 3 days sick leave or 2 weeks vacation requires either the doctor's note or a written authorization from one's superiors.
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Post by chipmunk on Feb 19, 2016 13:11:43 GMT -5
hugs, snippet17. My mom is also talking about wanting to set up Skype, even though after I'm off maternity leave, she'll be down two days per week helping us out with the baby. LMC, snippet makes a very good point- if you don't want someone/anyone in your delivery room, recovery room, etc, you can tell the nurses and they will prevent you from getting unwanted visitors. I flat out asked about that at my hospital tour- I am welcome to have as many people in the room as I want/is safe for the doctor and nurses to do what they need to do, but if I want everyone out, the L&D nurses have no compunctions about tossing everyone out on their asses. I can even have a note put on my door stating "mom and baby are observing hospital quiet time hours....go away," and have the front desk notified of anyone I don't want coming near me and the baby at all (ie, DH's psycho stepmom.. she wouldn't be let out of the main lobby, much less onto the floor). Talking with a friend of mine who is an L&D nurse in Georgia, these nurses are aware that families can get overwhelming to new parents, and have no problem being "the bad guys" tossing out relatives if Mom, Dad, and Baby want/need alone time. Their first concern is you, your baby, and the health/wellbeing of both of you. Everyone else can kiss their butts |
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Post by snippet17 on Feb 19, 2016 13:12:04 GMT -5
Oh and my mom thinks she can stay here. We got rid of the old twin bed that was in the baby's room asap but my aunt said to my mom she can borrow the twin air mattress anytime. Nope nope nope. I even said the only place in the house that there is room for that is the porch or the hotel that is across the bridge. My mom only lives an hour and a half away from my house. Its not like she has to fly here or drive 4 hours one way to get here.
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Post by LMC on Feb 19, 2016 13:20:35 GMT -5
ugh snippet17 - looks like we're going through similar things, only yours is way more pressing  I hope that she learns to back off in the coming weeks. |
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Post by gingerlady on Feb 19, 2016 13:25:32 GMT -5
Ugh, until reading this thread I didn't even consider the possibility of losing health insurance benefits while on maternity leave... Another thing to talk to the most bitchy and unhelpful lady at HR about! I suppose that "birth of a baby" is a life event that would allow me to switch to DH's insurance for a brief period of time if necessary? COBRA costs are INSANE.
It looks like I'm taking 12 weeks under FMLA. 6 weeks is STD at 60% pay, 4 weeks is earned time at full pay, and 2 weeks will be unpaid. Or maybe I'll go back after 10 weeks - it all depends on daycare.
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Post by gingerlady on Feb 19, 2016 13:41:56 GMT -5
gingerlady - I don't think your employer can terminate your insurance as long as you will be returning from maternity leave. Usually, your employer will just require you to pay the portion of the health insurance premium your employer pays before you go on leave. This is good to know - thanks! Of course the portion that my employer pays is substantial I think... so I'll have to figure out what that is. I'm just really avoiding talking to that bitchy HR lady! I'm keeping a list of all my questions and then I'll just call her once. Haha! |
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Post by snippet17 on Feb 19, 2016 13:59:16 GMT -5
ugh snippet17 - looks like we're going through similar things, only yours is way more pressing I hope that she learns to back off in the coming weeks. I wish she knew how to back off. She does not understand the word no. She has cried and gave me guilt trips when I have said no to things (and I won't give in) or when she invites people over to my house. She keeps asking me for directions from the hospital to my house. I have to her no, there is no reason for you to know how to get to my house from the hospital, you are not staying at my house, I don't get why you packed a bag with clothes for when I will be in the hospital, etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2016 15:15:29 GMT -5
Birth would allow you to be picked up on YH's insurance. You could then go back onto your insurance once there was another open enrollment period.
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Post by annathy03 on Feb 20, 2016 0:29:50 GMT -5
We're not even TTC yet and I'm worried about the inevitable smothering; ILs do have to fly here and mom will want to feel like she's getting as much time as they are. LMC I agree now is the time for boundary setting, in nice and conversational ways. The good news is if that is too subtle for her you have plenty of time to get more "oh HELL no" before TC arrives. snippet17 I'm sorry you're dealing with that, there is no reason she needs to stay at your house. |
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Post by snippet17 on Feb 20, 2016 19:50:59 GMT -5
38 Weeks  |
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Post by chipmunk on Feb 21, 2016 7:24:00 GMT -5
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Yeah I worried about her missing it entirely, but it worked out perfectly. She visited for like 45 minutes, about 2 hours after she was born, then peaced the fuck out. My hospital was really good about not letting anyone in until after we were done with skin to skin, had nursed, I had showered, etc. then they kicked everyone out when it was time to sleep.
I hope that she learns to back off in the coming weeks.
